Jaques' Pointless Waste of Time: March 2005

The reason I'm an Episcopal

It's not just the funny bishop hats!

Check out this blog, written by one of the priests at the Cathedral I sing at.

What a cool guy!

http://thinkbenzen.blogspot.com/

Weather, man!

I've had the great misfortune the last 2 days to realize that one of the KC weather people(Gary Lezak, to be specific) has some really irritating theme music.

Picture Ozzy doing the theme song for your local weather guy, and you've got a pretty good picture of how it works.

I would post a link to a sound file but I'm afraid I haven't one........but let me script it this way

fade from commercial to graphic of nasty weather
insert 2 jarring Rock and Roll guitar chords (V-I progression)

Voiceover: And now its time for your KSHB weather report featuring Gary Lezak...

repeat jarring Rock and Roll chords

Enter Weatherman clad only in chaps, buttocks showing. Eye make-up courtesty of Alice Cooper, hair courtesy of Pink.

Lezak: We're anticipating a high pressure front to create a.....(continue with boring weather report)

It's now official, I can't watch the weather ever again.

Close Shave!

Here we see a depiction of Saul(Bass) trying to kill David(moi)

I was fortunate enough to participate(as David) in a production of Handel's neglected oratorio Saul this prior weekend at the Univ of Illinoi (GO ILLINI!) with someone that all William Jewell students will affectionately recall as Chet.

What a cool piece of music! Consider the following lines..............

David(aria): "Impious wretch of race accursed, and of all that race the worst... ...Fall on him, smite him, let him die. On thy own head thy blood shall lie"

David(recit) : "His arm he raised, with rage grown stronger. By my guiltless head the javelin whizzing flew, and in the wall mocked once again his impotence of malice" (V-I)

David(aria): "Lest the daughters of the uncircumcised..."

David(aria): "And drank the blood of slaughtered foes... ...drew his sword in vain, it reek'd where'er he dealt his foes with entrails of the mighty slain"

The only thing better than violence is biblically sanctioned violence................the only thing better than biblically sanctioned violence is the chance to sing about biblically sanctioned violence. If only Quentin Tarantino had written Baroque oratorio instead of modern screenplay!

Anyhoo, the gig was a success, the other singers were amazing, the conductor was great, and the chance to sing the word uncircumcised in the context of an aria was quite profound!

PS. I've used far to many parenthesis in this post.....and elipsis to boot!

Why Opera at Ivy League Schools is a good thing....

So.....some bad news from New Haven.

They've opted to hire a mezzo for the job, which I suspected might be the case all along. It would be really tough to sell 6 guys in an 8 person team. I got a note from the coordinator (SC) and he seemed very disappointed.

However, if their resident male alto decides to make a shift to the opera track, then there are 2 openings for alto, and I'm in like flynn. At the very least I've been pushed to re-apply the next year when they're actively looking for a ct!

So an open note to any male altos considering opera as a career.......

Dear IH,
You know, oratorio and early music really sucks. You should take on a
more exciting degree program. I think that opera is the way to go.

Yours Truly,
Jaques

I hate opera (except for Handellian stand-and-sing bits) but I may have found a redeeming attribute at last if my colleague changes tracks!

Gene Hackman as the Lord Protector

I've been doing a lot of research on the English Civil Wars, the rise of the Protectorate, etc.

I love history, its like a really good action movie.

Today I read a long extended narrative about the Battle of Drogheda, in which Royalist commander was cut into tiny pieces, and his skull bashed in with his wooden leg.

I'm thinking that perhaps Gene Hackman could play Oliver Cromwell in the screenplay I'm coming up with in my mind...

First Meal!

So today my sweet boy took the plunge!
We're now officially on solid foods.

Today Gerber and Formula...........tomorrow Pizza and Beer.

It's amazing how in roughly a year from conception something can go from embryo to eating solid food.....................

If such change can be effected in a year, just imagine what the next year will be like?

PORN PORN PORN!!!

OH MY GOD!
Just when I thought that the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse were beginning to call off their impending trot around the world spreading destruction and doom, it came to my attention that the following was available:

MIRACLE OF CELINE DION (A Medley from the album "Miracle")
arr. Teena Chinn Warner Bros Publications
Miracle; If I Could; A Mother's Prayer and What a Wonderful World are selected from Celine Dion's hit CD and beautifully arranged by Teena Chinn. Choirs everywhere will want to perform this in their spring concerts this year!

This blurb lifted from the JW Pepper Website.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So here's my list of the reflections on this

10. Any new music by Celine Dion, should accompanied by a "motion sickness" receptacle. You know those little bags in the seat back on airplanes? Yep.....one of those. The phrase for the Ides of March is "I just threw up in my mouth, just a little"

9. Any new music arranged by Teena Chinn (regardless of the original artist) is paltry crap, and should be accompanied by one of those home enema kits. You're about to stock up on someone else's feces, so you should be removing all of your own to make space.

8. The combo of Teena Chin and Celine is anathema, and should any self-respecting musician individually purchase this, I call for their immediate destruction. This is most certainly the will of ZOD!

7. Have you seen this cover art? It's actually on the octavo in Black and White. This infant is almost certainly doomed to an irretrivably evil future. Let's hope he merely becomes an arranger of pop music for Warner Brothers, rather than another Rasputin or Hitler. (My money is on the latter, not the former)

6. Can you believe that someone would publish this? I am calling for the immediate destruction of the editor that approved this publication. WHORE!

5. Furthermore, can you believe that a company would actually promote this in a catalogue? JW Pepper is the Wal-Mart of the Sheet Music Retail world. HEY ZOD.....see what you can do about this too while you're busy smiting people

4. My venerable employer will put this on our annual reading session.

3. My venerable employer will put this on our company website

2. Customers will undoubtedly think that this is the sort of shit that their little Jr. High and High School kids ought to be doing, thereby wasting OUR tax money, and rotting the minds of future generations with this schlock.

Every wonder why Americans are getting dumber? Just look to the quality of Music Education in this country. Do you know what names I write down more than any others every day? Shaw, Lojeski, Emerson, Billingsley, Chinn, Huff, Althouse, and Albrecht. Fuck saving social security...........take away the money of the idiots educating our children who EXCLUSIVELY buy this shit. That's correct, some folks can spend an entire year's budget and never purchase a single piece of legitimate music. Take away there money and give it to the band folks so they can buy more Brass band stuff by Percy Grainger.

ATTN: ZOD...........any chance you can smite the Educators who buy this junk?

1. Undoubtedly someone I respect will call and order this piece. And they'll fell guilty about it........you know what? They'll wheedle and plead and say things like, "...its really not that bad" Screw you people! Go ahead and buy it! Just remember that I'm watching and keeping score!

OK..............

Hi! I'm in DC doing a gig with the illustrious Philip Cave............

That's about all...........

Today is My b-day and I'm really old

A reading from the first book of Samuel (15:10):

The word of the Lord came to Samuel: "I regret that I made Saul king, for he has turned his back from following me, and has not carried out my commandments"

Now let me begin by saying that I promise to only post humorous and/or scary verses from the scriptures.

Is it possible that here we have an admission by the Judeo-Christian God that he made a mistake? Furthermore, God sounds just a bit like a whiny child that Saul didn't do exactly what he/she wanted.

Personally, I couldn't believe in any deity that wasn't able to admit making an occasional crass mistake. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Props to Jehovah/Allah!

Of course we all know that Zod makes NO mistakes

Violation of Code 452.1 Prostitution SAB

Just when I thought the music publishing industry was moving away from Musical Whoredom...Don't get me wrong, I like OutKast, but this shit's gotta stop.

Is it any wonder that non-choral musicians don't take us seriously?

Now Playing: Lenny

Ok....I'm no huge Bernstien fan, but of late I've been working on his Missa Brevis and Chichester Psalms. I have to admit utter disdain and hatred for them both at the very beginning, but have to admit that they've grown on me a lot. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I actually like them.

So to anyone whose ever heard me bitch about Bernstien, I admit it publicly, I WAS WRONG!

However, to any of you holding out hope that I'll be embracing the works of Bela Bartok, don't hold your breath. He's still on the list just barely above Hal Leonard's new arrangement of Hey-Ya! for choir.

What is a Wanker?

wanker - noun, tosser , jerk-off , terms of abuse for a masturbator, self centered individual or former Enron CEO.

Kudos to my friend Margie Thatcher for pointing out the term.

Disclaimer: Kenneth Lay is an independent individual with no affiliation with the Pen15 club or the entities thereof. His birthmark(resemblant to the Pen 15 insignia) is a perfectly natural phenomenon that merely appears similar to the actual insignia and he is not a bonafide member, nor is he entitled to the benefits thereof. Martha Stewart and Omnimedia have no connection with Ken Lay or Enron or the Pen15 Club, except that once on holiday Martha did have rather a lot of Zima to drink and admittedly diddled PEN15 on the forehead of her travelling companion and lover Johannes Brahms and his unsuspecting canine sidekick, the Tai-bo.

Eternal Damnation

Jesus joins the Pen15 club......anyone seen his Zima?

Bumpersticker Theology

I've generally found myself in conflict with the Baptist church......but I think I can handle this!

Make your own church sign at www.churchsigngenerator.com

Ok.....to complete the trio of postings

http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html

It's my hope and prayer that those folks from Left Behind included this tool in their "research" along with the hash brownies that they obviously were eating

I don't mean to be un-american, but I find Menken fascinating

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents,
more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land
will reach their heart's desire at last and
the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

I really wonder what Mencken was railing against when he wrote this. In any event, it poses an interesting point, regardless of your political affiliation

Your Debbie Downer Post of the Day

In a letter to the editor of the Winnipeg Free Press, a reader wrote:

“I was sick and you privatized medicine; I was homeless and you built sports stadiums; I was thirsty and you polluted the lakes; I was hungry and you gave control of the food chain to multinational corporations.” (quoted in Expository Times, December)

This is from a weekly newsletter I subscribe to by a Congregational Church pastor, appropriately entitled "Rev it up..."

On another less syrupy note........I'm a little concerned that Em is beginning to take the ritualism involved with the Episcopal service a little to seriously in her daily life. E.g. this altar to the Phoenecian Deity S'tnap Bo Begnops

You know...........every now and then you just have one of those days where everything just goes to hell right away. You know the day, nothing works quite right. Tasks that are intended to take 10 minutes wind up taking 2 hours, plus a host of other irritating things along the way.
Then you come home tired, and in general pissed off at all of humanity, and your kids just make your day! They're sweet and completely unaware that you've just had a generally irritating day, and smile at you and everything is better.
I intend to not have all my posts be this syrupy...........

I just threw up in my mouth......just a little

www.kcsingers.org

OK.........If you've not seen this......NOW is the time! Grab a drink, sit back, follow the link and enjoy. October seems to be the month that makes the most impact...

Temporary Restraining Order

Ok....so there's this very unusual person that keeps coming by my work. Her name is Georgianne, and you can tell just by looking at her eyes that there's something just a little off about her.

The first time she came by, she let me know that God had spoken to her in a dream and told her to start singing. I did as best I could to help her out while she began to ask nosy personal questions about my faith.

The second time she came by she mentioned that she'd seen me at the Messiah Sing a Long, and what a shame it was that such an evil Godless congregation occupied such a beautiful space. I told her that I was a proud member of said congregation, and she wondered if I'd be interested in receiving the laying on of hands.

The third, fourth, and fifth times were all equally bizarre.......at one point she left me a note asking me to pray that God would assist her in finding a job, as she had just been fired from Lowe's for witnessing to the customers.

Well good news! Today Georgianne was back by, apparently she just been hired by the Kansas City Zoo. This job was given to her by God and she's looking forward to singing and witnessing to the animals............and did I have any songs that I'd recommend?

This leads me to 2 questions:
1. What pieces would you recommend for singing and witnessing to all God's non-human creation?
2. Does anyone know the stipulations for getting a temporary restraining order?

Jaques, in a bistro near Notre Dame