Cartier's Theory #325

Now that the current academic term has come to a close I have an opportunity to again begin (split infinitive intended) codifying what I call Cartier's Axioms and Universal truths. Please note that these have yet to be clearly and decisively proven by the Scientific Method.

Battery life is inversely proportional to the usefulness of the item to which it provides power.
E.g. Alkaline batteries guaranteed to have an effective life of 6 months last a grand total of 3 days in a universal remote.

Battery life is directly proportional to the irritation factor (measured in the SI unit, rampages) present in the device to which it provides power. Even in cases of extremely low available voltage these devices can continue to funcition. Furthermore they function better during the hours of 12:00 AM to 5:30 AM
E.g. The irritating toy your in-laws purchased for your son 2 Christmases ago has an effective battery live of 10 years. Even in cases where the battery is previously dead, it can function in the absence of daylight.


These two theories also led to a further discovery this AM when attempting to make some lunch for the kiddos.

Smoke detector batteries only work properly when the presence of smoke is entirely benign. In fact, the presence of completely benign smoke (such as a piece of Macaroni on an electric burner) can actually resurrect a previously dead battery.

Lastly, another experiment led to a further codification of natural law.

Given, 2 blaring smoke alarms, 1 questioning 7 year old, 1 screaming 2 year old, and an incoming telephone call all male gendered homo sapiens will react by pushing said children into their room and closing the door, ignoring the phone call, and beating both smoke alarms with a broom handle until the sound subsides.

And to think that some people don't thing we descended from apes.....